


left with rust

by acceptabletwig



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/F, Father-Daughter Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, end game Dina / Ellie, fic starts right after Joel's death and covers Seattle and beyond, lmao this is not the fic you want my friend, unfortunately.... not much Dina
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26509060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acceptabletwig/pseuds/acceptabletwig
Summary: They sit quietly for several long moments before Dina speaks. “You go, I go,” she mutters softly. “I don’t want you to do this alone.”“Dina…” Ellie says carefully. “I want you with me but not like this, never like this.”Dina nods, wiping at her eyes.“I- I have to do this, and you have to stay."//Ellie travels to Seattle with Tommy. Dina never leaves Jackson. Neither does Jesse. Things go differently.(this is unfortunately on the back burner and has been for some time, will be continued after my current fic)
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 93





	left with rust

**Author's Note:**

> Gracefully beta'd once again by my gf.
> 
> This is something I've talked about on my tumblr, it was something I started a while ago and has been on the backburner while I work on 'everything you hoped for'. This will hopefully be my priority after that fic finishes.

Ellie wants to hear Joel’s voice, but in her dreams she only hears her own.

He stays silent, eyes unseeing, and she is screaming, always screaming.

_“Get up, Joel, get up!”_

\--

Ellie feels like her skin crawls when Tommy looks at her, but when he avoids her gaze her stomach twists. She isn’t sure what’s worse.

“Maria wants to make sure you’re eating,” Tommy says quietly, placing a container on the coffee table in front on her.

Ellie settles on the couch beside him, perched on the edge, leaning forward, hands fidgeting in her lap. “She can’t stop us.”

He clears his throat awkwardly. “To have the guys that we would need… to do this smart… we’d be leaving Jackson vulnerable.”

Ellie looks at him now, almost angry when he dutifully looks away from her. “So they just get to get away with this?”

“Nobody wants that,” Tommy says with a scoff, turning toward her but his eyes stay low on the ground.

“Yeah, but that’s what’s happening,” she barks at him.

“What if we get hit by hunters again?”

“Is this you talking, or is this her?”

“It’s a valid point,” he insists.

“If it were you or me, Joel would be halfway to Seattle already,” she says firmly. _I should already be fucking gone._

He shakes his head and Ellie wants to hit him. “No, he wouldn’t.”

“He absolutely fucking would be,” she snarls.

“Well, we don’t even know for certain that they’re from Seattle.”

“Washington Liberation Front,” she repeats. “That’s what you said was on their patches.” Distantly, she can hear her own voice raise.

“What if they stole those jackets?” he asks her.

_This is fucking stupid._

“That’s-,” she stands, unable to sit, restless and stirring, unable to look at him.

“What if the WLF moved?” he continues.

“What are you doing?” she yells, turning back to him. A tense moment lingers in the air, their eyes finally meeting one another’s, neither of them yielding. “You know what?” Ellie says quietly, wiping her eyes. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” she folds her arms resolutely. “And if you want to come with me, great.”

“You have no idea what you’re walking into, you don’t know how large that group is, how armed,” he tries to reason with her.

“I don’t care,” Ellie affirms. _I’m going to fucking kill her, no one can stop me._ “You can’t talk me out of this.” _No one can, I_ have _to do this._

He sighs, standing and struggling to find his words. “Give me a day to talk to Maria, okay? Gotta be some folk she can spare,” he asks, almost pleading.

“And if she won’t budge?” Ellie asks quietly.

“Well, I’ll figure something out,” Tommy laughs darkly. He tries to smile at her, but it fades almost as quickly as it appears. “One day,” he repeats. “Please.”

“Fine.”

They look at each other for a long moment before Ellie drops her eyes and Tommy hugs her tightly. She tries to hold back her tears, allowing herself to fall into the embrace and hating herself for it. He’s solid and warm and for a moment she despises him for how much he reminds her of Joel.

\--

He finds her the next morning and from the look on his face, Ellie knows what he’s about to say.

“I’m fucking leaving, Tommy,” she repeats.

“I know,” he says quietly. “And I’m coming with you.”

She pauses, looking at him carefully. “And do you have Maria’s permission to do that?”

“She ain’t happy, but I’m going,” he says resolutely. “You and I have something to finish.”

\--

Ellie is knelt beside _his_ grave, rubbing dirt between her fingers before she stands. She walks over to a hovering Dina, waiting at the bench nearby and giving her the space that she had needed.

“I want to stop at his house before we leave,” she says softly. “Just have to pick something up.”

“Okay,” Dina says weakly, her skin sallow but a reassuring smile on her lips. She walks with Ellie slowly out of the cemetery and towards Joel’s house. “Tommy is getting us the horses, we’ve got time.”

“You can still change your mind, you know…” Ellie offers.

“I know,” she says firmly.

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to,” Ellie mutters. “Especially if you aren’t feeling well.”

“Ellie,” Dina says, reaching out to lay a comforting hand on Ellie’s shoulder and bringing them to a stop. Her other hand comes to rest on Ellie’s cheek as she turns to her. “You go, I go… End of story.”

Ellie reaches up and squeezes Dina’s wrist, nodding a quiet thanks.

\--

Ellie holds Joel’s watch in her hand, thumb stroking the frayed green band and as she tucks it behind her, she examines his revolver. She hears Dina groaning downstairs. “Dina?” Ellie calls. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she hears a weak reply.

She goes downstairs quickly, finding Dina hunched over the toilet bowl in the bathroom, heaving. Ellie rubs her back soothingly.

That’s how Jesse finds them ten minutes later. “You’re still sick?” He asks in concern.

“Yeah,” Dina groans. “It’s nothing.”

Dina’s stomach seems to have settled by the time Tommy and Maria arrive, the group moving to the dining room to discuss their game plan together. Tommy outlines the route they plan to take while Jesse interrupts with questions. Ellie brings Dina a glass of water, her focus split between the path that she already knows and her concern for the other girl. They haven’t defined things yet, but Ellie feels like they’re on the way to being _something_. _Is she alright?_

Dina almost makes it. Jesse’s bag is on his back, Tommy is just folding the maps back up, when Dina quickly rushes to the bathroom again, Ellie on her tail.

“Dina…” Ellie falters, “Have you been to the clinic? You seem like you’re really sick.” She kneels beside Dina, trying to offer her comfort as she rubs small circles with a warm palm on Dina’s back. “Are you sure it’s just the flu?”

Maria enters the bathroom before Dina can answer, shutting the door behind them, leaning on the counter and appraising Dina with curious eyes. “Dina-”

“It’s nothing,” Dina insists quickly, eyes flashing.

“I saw you puking your guts out behind the stables a couple days ago,” Maria says calmly, “And I heard Bernie at the clinic mentioning you didn’t keep your lunch down yesterday either.”

“What are you trying to say?” Dina says weakly, her body lurching as she gags over the toilet bowl.

Maria tuts, looking at her sympathetically, “Ellie, could you give us a minute?”

“I’m not going anywhere, Maria,” Ellie says firmly. “You know that.” Ellie is still crouching beside Dina, turning back to look at her with soft eyes.

Dina huffs, sitting back on the tile floor and leaning against the wall. She rubs her eyes, face downcast. “Ellie, I think I’m pregnant,” she says softly, when she looks back up Ellie can see tears in her eyes. 

“What?” Ellie is stunned.

Maria hums like she isn’t surprised. “When was your last cycle?”

“I’m three weeks late,” Dina mutters, her voice cracking. “I- I didn’t realise at first.”

“ _What_?” Ellie asks.

“I think I’m pregnant,” Dina repeats flatly. “Don’t worry,” she adds with a forced smile. “It’s not yours.”

“ _Dina,_ ” Ellie says softly, her eyes falling to her hands.

Dina bites back a half-hearted laugh. “I- I didn’t want this.”

“What are we- what are we supposed to do now?” Ellie says harshly, standing and pacing in the confined space.

“I don’t know,” Dina sighs.

“We- are you fucking kidding me? How long have you known?” Ellie almost yells, shrugging off the hand that Maria tries to place on her shoulder.

“I- I don’t really know, I’m not sure,” Dina says weakly.

“You- you were just going to leave with us? Fuck, Dina, how would that have gone?” Ellie’s voice is quieter now but filled with acid.

“I- I didn’t want to hold us up, I didn’t want to be a burden.”

Ellie sighs, rubbing her nose and looking at the ceiling while trying to control herself. She breathes for several long moments. “Well, you would have been a burden, wouldn’t you?” Ellie snaps, before she softens, “I- I can’t do this right now.” She pushes past Maria and leaves the house quickly, ignoring Tommy and Jesse shouting after her.

\--

When Tommy finds her at the diner, she’s already got a drink in her hand.

“One for the road?” he asks, dropping into the booth across from her.

She takes a long pull of it, gesturing to Seth’s wife behind the bar to bring her another.

“Ellie,” he says in exasperation. “We got shit to do.”

“Give me one day,” Ellie says, almost pleadingly. “Just one day.”

Tommy looks at her carefully. “After the shit you pulled with me?” he asks, eyes hardening. “We leave tomorrow,” he says firmly. “Get your head straight before I leave without you now, we got shit to do,” he repeats.

Another beer is placed in front of her as Tommy leaves. Ellie drinks it slowly, savouring the taste before standing and making her way to Dina’s.

\--

She knocks on Dina’s door, waits for five minutes before knocking again and calling out. She tries to check through a window to see if Dina’s home, but assumes that she isn’t.

She groans, sitting down on the front steps and trying to think of where else to check. Her whole lower half is numb from the cold before she shakily decides to head home. She needs a warm shower before coming back and hopefully finding Dina. 

She lets herself in quietly, head down, brow furrowed. _What the fuck am I going to say?_

“Hey Freckles,” a familiar voice calls. Dina lies stretched out on the couch, smiling tiredly up at Ellie from under a pile of thick cotton blankets. She discards the worn comic she had been reading on the coffee table beside her. “Took you long enough.”

“I- I was waiting for you?” Ellie asks. _How long has she been here?_

“Wanted to yell at me more?” Dina says with a grimace, sitting up, shifting aside slightly to allow Ellie to awkwardly sit beside her. She wraps the blanket around herself, shivering slightly in the coldness of the room. 

“Not likely,” Ellie mutters under her breath. “I- I’m sorry I raised my voice before.” If Dina can smell the alcohol on her breath, she doesn’t show it. “It was stupid.” 

“I’m sorry I was keeping things to myself,” Dina says softly, bumping her shoulder against Ellie’s and allowing herself to settle there, pressing tightly to Ellie’s side. The warmth calms Ellie’s stomach. _It’s Dina, you can talk to her._

They sit quietly for several long moments before Dina speaks. “You go, I go,” she mutters softly. “I don’t want you to do this alone.”

“Dina…” Ellie says carefully. “I want you with me but not like this, _never_ like this.”

Dina nods, wiping at her eyes.

“I- I have to do this, and you _have_ to stay,” Ellie tells her, her chest feels tight with the thought of leaving without Dina. “I- I mean, yeah, you would be burden-”

“Jerk,” Dina mumbles.

“-but, it’s less you holding us back and more that you could get hurt. And- and I know you’re a super badass, fucking capable woman,” Ellie says, attempting a grin that falls flat. “But- if you feel unwell now, think about what that could mean there. I- I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt either.”

“I don’t plan on it,” Ellie says firmly. 

“No one ever does.” Dina rests a hand on Ellie’s knee now, and Ellie could swear it’s burning a hole in her jeans. 

“I have to go,” Ellie repeats. “I’m going.”

“I’m not telling you not to, Ell,” Dina says. “I just- I wish I could go with you.”

Ellie hums, bringing Dina into her arms and hugging her tightly. 

“Are- are you still leaving today?” Dina asks. “You’ve lost a lot of light,” she remarks. “Almost all of it.”

“Tomorrow now,” Ellie says softly, rubbing Dina’s lower back gently. 

Dina nods quietly. 

“Is there anything you need, right now?” Ellie asks. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m just tired,” Dina says softly. “Can we just go to bed?”

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees quietly. Hands joined, they lead each other to bed, stripping their clothes off and pressing closely to one another underneath the heavy blankets. 

Dina tries to ignore how Ellie’s hands shake, while Ellie tries to ignore how overheated Dina feels against her. Almost feverish. 

“Are you- did you go to the clinic with Maria?” Ellie asks quietly. 

“I’m definitely pregnant, if that’s what you’re asking,” Dina whispers into her neck. 

Ellie’s thumbs rub soft circles into her hip bones, hands holding her comfortably. “I- have you spoken to Jesse?”

“I don’t want to talk about Jesse right now.” 

“I- I don’t know how long I’m going to be gone for,” Ellie says, her voice even like she’s trying to force it to be calm, but she knows Dina can hear the tremor in it. “I- I imagine you need to talk to Jesse about how you’re gonna- gonna handle things.” 

Dina pulls back slightly in Ellie’s arms, looking at her carefully in the half light, “Ell, I- please just let me have this night. Please.” Her tone is pleading, eyes shining with tears, and the guilt in Ellie’s stomach twists further. 

“Yeah,” she says quietly, allowing them to slip back into an uneasy silence. 

They’re relatively new to this form of intimacy, bare legs intertwined, naked chests flush, but the history between them, the friendship underpinning their newfound undefined relationship, lends them a form of closeness that makes them comfortable in one another’s arms. 

Ellie wakes much later; she was screaming in her dream but wakes with a choked gasp. She sits up, panting, chest breaking out in goosebumps from the chill of the cold air on her skin, and runs her hands haphazardly through her hair. She presses a shaky hand firmly to her chest, over her heart, trying to ground herself, _breathe, just fucking breathe, breathe. Fuck._

Her knees half-buckle when she slides out of bed, pulling the covers back up securely so the cold doesn’t bother Dina. She tugs on her jeans, pulls on her hoodie and walks to the bathroom to splash her face. It’s painful to see her reflection in the mirror. The water is so cold it stings, her eyes are red and weary, cheeks flushed and pink, and the bruise on her eyes seems brighter somehow. She presses her fingertips against it again, softly at first and then digging in slightly deeper with the pain before pulling back.. _The fuck is wrong with me?_

She pulls her journal out of her packed bag beside the couch, turning the light on at her desk and looking back to check Dina is still asleep. She stares at the journal for what feels like an eternity, hand loosely holding a pen. 

Her half-finished poem stares at her. 

_My mouth tastes like iron, wounds break open as I ~~scream~~ sing.  
You were the soft twang of nylon. ~~A The~~ A smell of wood oil. ~~Fretful.~~ Fret full.  
~~Guitar strings with iron are brighter~~  
Guitar strings with iron ~~twang~~ sound brighter.  
They mistook your resonance.  
~~And left me with dissonance~~ ??_

Ellie huffs, turning the words over in her mind, and crosses out the last line again absently. _What am I left with?_

She looks at the small sketch of Joel, his eyes crossed out darkly, surrounded by smaller attempts at his eyes. _I can’t get them right._ She attempts to draw his face again but scribbles it out darkly within the minute. _Could he even see me that night?_

She focuses back on the poem.

_And left me with rust._

She can feel it, acidic and hot within her stomach. She feels nauseous, a deep and resounding crack of anger spreading through her like lightning, _why the fuck didn’t I leave yesterday? If it were me, Joel would be halfway to Seattle already._

Her hands are clenched so tightly she only realises when the sting of her nails in her palm almost draw blood.

_All I have’s our last conversation,_  
_Looping like a chord progression,_  
_Harmonies in blood._

She stares at her guitar in the corner for hours, eyes tracing the moth as the sun rises above the horizon, the room lighting up in yellow tones. She’s always hated winter. She hasn’t felt the cold in her bones this strongly in five years.

\--

Ellie doesn’t notice when Dina wakes, only snapping out of her reverie when she feels Dina’s steady hand on her shoulder. Ellie flinches, her head snapping up to look at Dina, and for a second she doesn’t see Dina’s eyes but another’s. “H-hey,” Ellie chokes out, finding herself again. 

Dina slides her hand to Ellie’s upper back, rubbing it gently. “Hey,” she says quietly. “Big day today.”

“Yeah,” Ellie mumbles. 

“Did you get much sleep?” Dina asks, frowning as Ellie shrugs. 

“We should get something to eat,” Dina says, moments later, filling the silence. 

Ellie stands then, grabbing her bag and pulling it over her shoulder. “I, um, I’m not hungry,” she says.

“You’re- you’re leaving already,” Dina says in a small voice, and it’s not a question, but a sad expression of acceptance. 

“Gotta make the most of the daylight,” Ellie says, eyes focused on the window outside. 

“I-” Dina tugs Ellie close to her, arms wrapping tight around her frame, hands clutching and gripping at the fabric of Ellie’s hoodie tightly. “I love you,” she says weakly into Ellie’s neck. 

“Wh-”

Dina pulls back to meet her eyes, cupping Ellie’s cheeks with her hands. “I know we just started something, I know we don’t know where we stand, I know the timing is fucked, but you are my friend first and foremost. My _best_ friend. And I love you, and I want you to take care of yourself. Please, _please_ try to take care of yourself.” 

Ellie nods slowly, hands reaching up to rub Dina’s reassuringly. “I- you’re my best friend too,” she affirms. She doesn’t say the words back, but she can see from how Dina’s shoulders relax that she feels them. 

Dina looks at her searchingly, before hugging her tightly once again, pressing her forehead against Ellie’s shoulder and allowing herself to linger in the embrace. “You have to eat,” she mutters, and Ellie can feel Dina’s lips move against her collarbone. 

“I’ll try,” Ellie says softly. 

Eventually Ellie lets her arms drop. She walks over to the couch, dropping her bag there and pulling on her thick winter coat. She looks up at Dina again for a long moment, _just fucking say it._

“I’m gonna take this as far as it needs to go,” Ellie says quietly. “And that might be further than Seattle…” She sniffs, steeling her resolve. “You can’t wait for me to come back.” _I might not._

“Ellie,” Dina says warningly. 

“You have to think about your future, one that might not include me,” Ellie continues, her voice firm. “Like you said… the timing is fucked. You- You should talk to Jesse ab-”

Dina kisses her then, firmly and with all the tenderness she can muster. Ellie can taste the salt of her tears in their kiss. “You’re coming home,” Dina murmurs. “ _Please_ come home.” 

“It’s-” Ellie starts, but Dina presses her lips against hers to quiet her. “Dina,” she tries again. “Don’t wait for-” She lets herself sink into the kiss, it’s soft and slow, achingly gentle. It’s a goodbye. 

When they finally do part, Dina takes her bracelet and ties it securely to Ellie’s right wrist. “It’s for good luck,” she says softly.

“I don’t believe in luck.”

“I do,” Dina replies. It feels solemn and weighty, like a prayer, like a balm, like something significant passing between them. Ellie kisses her one last time, softly, chastely, before finally leaving.

\--

_On the day Ellie came to Jackson her stomach was twisting restlessly, her eyes glancing over to Joel, flitting restlessly over their surrounds, her mind repeating his words and her own._

Swear to me that everything you said about the Fireflies is true _. And he swore it._

_“Okay,” she had said. Accepting his answer, his affirmation._

_Jackson was overwhelming, bustling and bright, and the gates opened before they reached them. Tommy rushed out to clamp a firm hand on Joel’s shoulder and hug him tightly. He appraised Ellie then, “Didn’t find them?”_

_“We did,” Joel says gruffly. “But they don’t need her help.”_

_Tommy nods, accepting the answer easily. How? How could he not question that?_

_She tunes them out then, trailing them absently through the town as her eyes scan the new environment laid out before her. The fixed-up houses, the lack of barricades; she feels like she’s searching for vantage points, like things are too open. She knows they are surrounded by a high fence, but there is little that protects them from one another._

_Despite her worry, her shifting eyes, her attempt to assess her new surroundings, she doesn’t really take anything in._

_She definitely doesn’t see the other girl until she bumps into her. Her eyes are brown and warm, dark hair loose around her shoulders, an apologetic smile on her lips. “Sorry about that,” the stranger says._

_“It was my fault,” Ellie mumbles, eyes low as she trudges on._

_She doesn’t look back._

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna yell at me, my tumblr user: @respectablesentiment


End file.
